Balancing my Yearning for Spontaneous Intimacy While Pursuing a Committed Partnership
As a gay man approaching 50, my life has involved many, mostly enjoyable years engaging in casual sex with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I had a committed partnership which continued for four years, however I never felt completely content, in that I felt neither loved or sexually nourished. The fact is that my constant desire has been for casual sex. Every time I start to date a potential partner, once the newness dwindles, I always get the urge to be intimate with new partners again.
Questioning the Possibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to sustain a monogamous relationship. I understand that numerous homosexual males engage in non-monogamous arrangements, but from my observations, they appear like hard work, frequently causing significant heartache and envy for everyone involved. In many ways, I want a partner to care for me while letting me pursue other intimacies, however I fear the emotional drain this might create. Is it best to continue to have spontaneous encounters and accept that a long-term relationship may be unattainable? I’m feeling a bit lost.
Every person’s sexual journey varies. Avoid considering about what you require in partnerships or your ability to tolerate various forms of intimate connections in a finite way. Your needs as you are experiencing them now could easily shift in the future; eventually you may find yourself less ambivalent and find greater understanding and a suitable route … or not. At some point you might meet someone who provides a life-changing chance to you through mirroring what you want in a holistic fashion … and later on you might decide that non-committal encounters are best for you. Worrying about the future and engaging in endless speculation is merely anxiety-based and squandering of your energy. Aim to stay present with your partners, and recognize the worth of every individual you connect with intimately an intimate bond. If and when you are ever ready to strengthen true intimacy with one partner, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based therapy professional focusing on treating sexual disorders.
